Control.

Not having control. That’s the hardest part. Seeing something break your heart and slow motion and the only thing that you can do is watch is so hard. I have always had trouble with needing control. I feel like I need to fix things: people, situations, anything that requires improvement. It has only brought me anxiety and disappointment, yet I continue to try to help improve. That anxiety is nothing compared to what I have been feeling as of lately. Some moments my heart beats so rapid and hard, it seems that it could literally jump out of my chest. I get lost in my thoughts. I’m walking around in a cloud. Riding as a passenger on my father’s roller coaster of emotion. There are so many highs and lows, that literally change within moments. What can I do, I cannot allow him to ride alone. So I go through the highs and lows with him, praying for more time. My friends always tell me how “strong” I am…especially now. I never looked at it like that, I just do what I have to do. I just keep going, because if I fall, when I decide to get back up, I’ll be in the same place. “You’re the strongest person I know Christina!”  Sometimes you don’t have a choice. Who do I have to share my weak moments with? Certainly not my dad, whatever I am feeling he is feeling times 1000. Not my mother or step-mother, they are both so emotional and it would probably only bring me more stress. My friends are all moving forward and I can’t hold them back with me. Im stuck here. In this situation. With this diagnosis. In continuous pain. And I have no control.

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