I am skilled at putting people in boxes. The issue is the more I shut myself off from those people, the thicker the wall I’ve built between my emotions and the rest of the word becomes. Everything in life is geared with a transaction, an exchange, a risk. I hold on to my end of the exchange as tight as I can. I have a lot of pride and self-protection which makes it difficult for me to release power and show vulnerability. This becomes a challenge because how can you grow with someone if you never let them in? This becomes for complicated for me, because you cannot truly let someone in without showing vulnerability. So I walk around life acting and believing that if you have not crossed some arbitrary line with me, you are disposable. A guy that I dated constantly told me “you have to stop acting like the people in your life are disposable, that’s not how life works.” Another guy I dated told me on the regular basis that he felt like he was always one mistake away from my blocked list. (Truth of the matter is that he was correct) Instead of spending energy on what seems to be a bad investment, I like to cut my losses early.
Now, I never said that this makes me a good person. This post is actually very critical of my coping mechanisms and the purpose is to dissect my challenges with relationships, both friendly and intimate. Through experiences during my high school and college years, I have grown to become extremely protective of my vulnerability. In adulthood, the few instances that I have allowed myself to be vulnerable, have been in vain. So how do I accept that with vulnerability comes disappointment and that I should not allow that to prevent me from being vulnerable; while maintaining that everyone is not deserving of your vulnerability? (Yes, being an adult and actually dealing with your mess is complicated)
Everything with me is an exchange of power. This can cause me to be very petty. A couple weeks ago, my ex called me, very friendly conversation, not uncomfortable, totally cool…I cut the conversation short so I would be the one to end the conversation and not him so I could keep the power. (Yes I realize there is something wrong with me) Maybe I did this because I lost so much power in that relationship, so I try to reclaim it in any way that I can. The “I’m going to get you before you get me” mentality is not mature, productive, or healthy. I am aware! That doesn’t prevent me from being on a constant power trip. “Noted” and “Ok” are my constant states of mind. I don’t rebuttal or share when I’ve been hurt because I don’t want to reveal my true feelings. I avoid confrontation by taking note and removing myself from that situation, a lot of the time this results in me removing myself from a person’s life prematurely. So I put that person in a box and add another layer to the wall.
**It is difficult for me to end the post here because I have not resolved the issue that has been presented. There is more to come. I need to explore, how this causes me to sabotage healthy relationships. Truth is, this is not a solution based post, I am literally analyzing myself. I don’t have the resolution yet, but when I get it, I will definitely share. I plan on working through these challenges here, (www.ChristinaCornelius.com) I hope if you have the same struggles that you attempt to work through yours as well. If you’d like to share your journey, please email me at Christina@ChristinaDCornelius.com (Yes that is a different domain, I’m working on cleaning this up)