I am skilled at putting people in boxes. The issue is the more I shut myself off from those people, the thicker the wall I’ve built between my emotions and the rest of the word becomes. Everything in life is geared with a transaction, an exchange, a risk. I hold on to my end of the exchange as tight as I can. I have a lot of pride and self-protection which makes it difficult for me to release power and show vulnerability. This becomes a challenge because how can you grow with someone if you never let them in? This becomes for complicated for me, because you cannot truly let someone in without showing vulnerability. So I walk around life acting and believing that if you have not crossed some arbitrary line with me, you are disposable. A guy that I dated constantly told me “you have to stop acting like the people in your life are disposable, that’s not how life works.” Another guy I dated told me on the regular basis that he felt like he was always one mistake away from my blocked list. (Truth of the matter is that he was correct) Instead of spending energy on what seems to be a bad investment, I like to cut my losses early.

Now, I never said that this makes me a good person. This post is actually very critical of my coping mechanisms and the purpose is to dissect my challenges with relationships, both friendly and intimate. Through experiences during my high school and college years, I have grown to become extremely protective of my vulnerability. In adulthood, the few instances that I have allowed myself to be vulnerable, have been in vain. So how do I accept that with vulnerability comes disappointment and that I should not allow that to prevent me from being vulnerable; while maintaining that everyone is not deserving of your vulnerability? (Yes, being an adult and actually dealing with your mess is complicated)

Everything with me is an exchange of power. This can cause me to be very petty. A couple weeks ago, my ex called me, very friendly conversation, not uncomfortable, totally cool…I cut the conversation short so I would be the one to end the conversation and not him so I could keep the power. (Yes I realize there is something wrong with me) Maybe I did this because I lost so much power in that relationship, so I try to reclaim it in any way that I can.  The “I’m going to get you before you get me” mentality is not mature, productive, or healthy. I am aware! That doesn’t prevent me from being on a constant power trip. “Noted” and “Ok” are my constant states of mind. I don’t rebuttal or share when I’ve been hurt because I don’t want to reveal my true feelings. I avoid confrontation by taking note and removing myself from that situation, a lot of the time this results in me removing myself from a person’s life prematurely. So I put that person in a box and add another layer to the wall.

**It is difficult for me to end the post here because I have not resolved the issue that has been presented. There is more to come. I need to explore, how this causes me to sabotage healthy relationships. Truth is, this is not a solution based post, I am literally analyzing myself. I don’t have the resolution yet, but when I get it, I will definitely share. I plan on working through these challenges here, ( I hope if you have the same struggles that you attempt to work through yours as well. If you’d like to share your journey, please email me at (Yes that is a different domain, I’m working on cleaning this up)


me trying to date



So I check Timehop and Facebook Memories daily. It often provides me with little jewels of my daddy. Today’s timehop was a sad but real moment for me. My dad lived over a year past the video I will be sharing today. Moving forward, time to time I will be sharing some memories provided by Timehop and Facebook.

Whatever Gets You Through The Moment 

When I miss my daddy, I place a small vile of Givenchy Pi up to my nose… and I get a whiff of him. When my heart is severely hurting, I spray the cologne on his robe and I hold it. And in that moment the painful reality is non existent. He’s right here with me, sitting beside me, holding me, laughing with me, holding my hand…but it’s only a moment, then I remember. He is not here.

You Can Run, But You Can’t Hide

I have been collecting little puzzle pieces here and there because I wanted to share my experience through the art of words. I haven’t had the time to organize the pieces and put the puzzle together…but it is coming.

Since my dad’s death, so much has happened. So much good has happened. So much good has happened that at times I even feel guilty. I’m not sure why I feel guilty, because there is a vacancy in my heart that prevents me from really enjoying or celebrating the good. I have no complaints about life at this time….except one: I am terribly sad. I smile. I go out. I have a good time. I live. I thrive. BUT at some point while doing all of these things, I find myself in a dark place. I don’t share these moments with others often. I hide my tears. I slip away if I can. I try to reason myself out of that place. But I have a fear that I will be visiting this place for the rest of my life.

On the daily basis, I keep it together 99% of the time publicly. Today, I have literally been a crying mess. I’ll just assume that most of you reading this do not know my personally. So, I’ll let you in on a little secret….I use to be a cry baby. Like I cried ALL THE TIME. Somewhere between my good friend Joann (who told me directly that she did not like me  when we met because I cried all the time…I am now her daughter’s God-Mother), my good friend Justin (who would look at me emotionless while I cried, until I calmed down and then told me that what I was crying about would not matter in 5 years) and my college boyfriend (who was emotionally challenged himself and had very cold but honest responses whenever I was overly emotional about anything), I have grown to DESPISE crying. When I cry (which is rare) I actually get angry at myself. The conversation I usually have with myself is a cocktail of what those three would say to me.

Today, I woke up from a terrible, but painfully accurate dream and decided I was not going to allow it to affect my day. I went to a meeting at the Junior League of Houston, which went well and I realized that I was finally enjoying my time in the league and making friends, which I previously had found challenging….THEN, I went to therapy. (I started therapy again [HUGE ADVOCATE OF THERAPY] a week ago because along with my hate of crying I have grown to be as emotionally challenged as my ex. Which has led me to force my emotions into the box that I can feel the lid coming off of daily [another post for another day]) Therapy opened Pandora’s Box (Pun Unintended). I began thinking about things that I usually avoid thinking about during the day. A friend introduced me to audiobooks, I wrapped up Joyce Meyer’s The Battlefield of the Mind (which literally took me 2 years to read until the audiobook, which took a week to finish) and I began Option B by Sheryl Sandberg and Adam Grant. This was probably a bad idea. Sheryl lost her young husband two years ago. And even though our circumstances are different, her discussion of pain and grief triggered something in me that therapy had earlier exposed.

As I am listening to the audiobook, I am catching up on administrative work for my new job, which I love….and I am crying… papers are wet, vision is blurry, crying. Now I am pissed that I am crying. However, I had added an additional task, I am texting my best friend Jasmine and my good friend Nina, basically telling them that I should have dealt with this crap (emotions) a long time ago because now it is interrupting my life. When my dad died, I didn’t stop. I didn’t cry at the funeral. I didn’t deal with it. I told myself, “this is your new normal, you have to figure it out…and not screw up this new job.” And that’s what I did, I got back engaged in the activities, commitments, and goals that I was involved in before his diagnosis. I got a new job, expanded my Houston network, started paying down debt, was accepted into a MBA prep program and got into Grad School (different program from MBA). I was getting my life, the life he wanted me to live, back together. I never took…wait…I still haven’t taken a moment to stop and deal with the great loss I experienced, the aftermath that left me more hurt, or what all of this means. I just kept going. So, my emotions come out in inappropriate ways, such as isolating myself from folks, excessive Instagram posts about my dad, and random late night Facebook posts explaining in detail exactly how I was feeling in that moment. Let’s not even discuss the random crying in public places that leaves me livid. Or bringing my dad up in every conversation I have with friends….and strangers. Oh and there is the leaning on inappropriate people from my past as well. There is that. Bottomline is….I have to deal with this before I really do, “screw up this new job.”

There is also the issue of appearances. If it looks like I have been doing so well, what will people think if they knew that I am just now beginning to deal with his death. I’m sure I already look crazy between the Instagram & Facebook posts. Am I too open about my pain? Are people thinking that its been…..there it was: Today marks the 6 month anniversary of my daddy’s death. 6 months ago, the world as I knew it for 25 years changed. I have not been keeping up with the time passed since his death, because frankly, I go on like he isn’t dead. I wasn’t consciously keeping up with it, but subconsciously, I had to have known, which explains all the damn crying. (THANK GOD I work remotely on Mondays). As I figure this out, I’ll do my best to keep you all in the loop. I think the approach I took today was best….Just stop everything and write.

Daddy, there aren’t enough words in all the languages in the universe to explain how much I miss you. (Crap, here comes the crying again)


My Daddy <3

My daddy, Dr. Royce D. Cornelius passed away on October 24th 2016. I know I have not posted in awhile, but I have some great things in the works (including blog posts) that I will be sharing with you all soon. Today, I would like to share with you the video I created for my father’s memorial service. Enjoy.

They Say, “Boys Will Be Boys”

I began my first full time job in banking right after college. I was 21. It wasn’t my dream job, but I was good at it and I enjoyed it. I struggled with fitting in, especially because I was so young compared to my co-workers. I kept to myself a lot because to be frank, it was a sad period of my life. I tried to accept the culture as is. That include accepting Jimmy. Jimmy was almost twice my age and came from the auto industry. He had dog eat dog business practices which were very new to me. His character was comprised of car dealership sense of humor and entitlement. He often made sexual comments, in group settings and behind closed doors. On many occasions his comments were directed toward me and it made me uncomfortable every time he would mention my lips or my size. However, he had been with the company much longer than I had so I didn’t want to cause any trouble, I just wanted to keep my job, so I didn’t say anything. Eventually, Jimmy left. The work environment improved and I went on with my career with the firm. A few months later, I was sitting in my boss’ office and he mentioned improving the work environment. I casually made a remark about Jimmy’s impact on the environment. He was shocked. Even though Jimmy made these comments and advances directed to multiple people and even though multiple people witnessed his actions, no one informed our boss. My boss asked me why I never said anything. I told him, I was new and I didn’t want to lose my job. He looked me in my eye and told me to ALWAYS speak up. At that moment, I felt disappointed in myself. I knew better. I knew to say something, but I let someone who was in the wrong silence my voice. I vowed to never accept sexual harassment again.

I think as women, especially working and interacting in male dominated fields, we accept comments and behaviors that make us uncomfortable as “part of the job.” We don’t want to be the “girl in the room” that silences the usual conversations. We want to be invited to the golf course and to join in on cigars. So we put on our big girl pants and check our emotions at the door. Never realizing that we are not only doing a disservice to ourselves but also a disservice to our daughters, granddaughters, nieces, cousins, and every other female that finds inspiration in us. Being silent helps no one. It prevents growth and advancement because the environment more than likely will not change and if it happens to change there is nothing preventing it to revert back. If we don’t speak up, our male counterparts are not encouraged to do so either. Also, it adds more stress on women in the work place. It is okay to shake the table, especially if it helps to make a better tomorrow. DO NOT be silent.